Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dear exam

Dear Exam,
You and I have had a tete e tete for ages now. It's indeed ironical that we haven't had a formal introductory session. So lets begin!
I'm Vikas, xx, 25-34-35, tall, medium built, black eyes, black hair, black eyebrows, and brown skin.
I know that you'd love to give me your introduction as well and  I'm waiting for it. I really want to know more about you. So do write to me as soon as you receive this letter. Please give your ASL too.
As i introspect, I can see that our relation goes a long way back. I really don't remember the first time we met. My girlfriend says that when we're five, our existing brain cells decompose and new brain cells are formed. She has a point. Perhaps this is why I don't remember our first rendezvous. The earliest meeting that I do remember was when you visited me when i was in Kindergarten. Remember you gave me pictures of birds and animals and told me to identify them? And do you remember that i misspelt "crow" as "crew"? I cried a lot in my mother's lap after knowing that I'd made a mistake. But you just moved on, showed no leniency. You knew that I hadn't done the table of 2, still you asked it the next day. I was clueless and had it not been for the helpful class teacher, I would've got that wrong too. Can you imagine how unhappy i would've been?
But then as I entered my school, you became a bit predictable, didn't you? I would always expect the first question on your Math's incarnation to be the conversion of the digited form of the number to its word form. And you didn't let me down in this regard till 3rd standard. Why did you change yourself the next year? Do you know that I hadn't studied much because of the almost certain sitter questions that you used to provide every year? And can you please tell me the reason for you asking me to write a few lines on "Balanced diet" in class 4th when you knew that this was in chapter 7, which was not in the reckoning of the syllabus? But I had one over you then and there. I opened my book on the pretense of taking out my eraser and read the definition from chapter 7!! But that must've been the giveaway. How could you expect just one boy, in a class of 45 to answer the question precisely, that too verbatim?
But i also admit that you stumped my by asking the name of three regenerative organs of animals in class 5. You knew that the book mentioned only two, the tail of the lizard and the teeth of the snakes. I guess you must've laughed at my answer: the nails in humans, because nails are dead things( you asked me this in class 9th, remember?). But really, slowly but surely, i started developing a deep respect and admiration for you which was soon shattered by your vicious and unparalleled zeal the subsequent year. In hindsight, you know that I was ill on all the six days of your appointment with me. Still you asked me the full form of BDO, which was in Civics, which i couldn't study due to high fever. And then you asked me the name of the tropical grasslands of Africa, and I, like so many unsuspecting comrades, wrote the answer as Veld while the correct answer, that was not given anywhere but the JPH guide that you had with you, was Savannah! Do you know that this was the lowest you ever sank? I scored 63 in that meeting, the least I've ever scored, till date.
But then, the whimsical chap that you are, you again started giving easier questions and I soon started loathing you a bit lesser than i used to. This went on till 10th, when our relationship was at its pinnacle. I was really happy that our "Board meeting" in class 10th went as per plan. You know I had prepared so much for those 6 meetings. Remember i scored the highest in our Science meeting? 99?
But then, the 11th standard brought a sudden end to our short term honeymoon. You made me a gay. I had to sleep with the like of Pradeeps and Dineshs before our chemistry and physics meetings. They were very bad. Big, bulky, out of shape idiots. Sleeping with them was pain in the ass, but then you left me with no other option. So scared I used to be before every meeting that i even had to had a live-in relationship with the likes of RD Sharma and RS Aggarwal. I used to sleep in the class so that i could let these guys shag me all night long.
I used to dream about the happier times that we had with each other and feel that things could get no worse that this. But I was such a jackass.
Out of the blue, you handed over a major share of your control to your brother "Entrance" and started concentrating more on our final "Board meeting". If you were difficult, Entrance was arduous. He was loathsome, detestable, contempt-worthy, abhorrent and above all, obnoxious. he forced me into illegitimate relationships with jerks like ML Khanna, P.Bahadur, Morrison Boyd and HC Verma. I was forced to share my bed with old fashioned shaggers like I.E. Irodov and S.G Loney. I'm still recovering from the shocks that they gave me, and by the looks of it, I'll remain invalid for quite some time.
And then college dawned and for the first time, it was refreshing to welcome you back. You were good, you were better than before,and although you seemed like an enormous dark cloud, no one could miss your silver lining. But then the frequency of our meeting increased and we started seeing so much of each other that i started taking you for granted. Remember the shock that you gave me in our Engineering drawing meeting in the second semester? That is still a big deterrent and acts as the prospective cane when i become complacent and take our next meeting lightly.
Over the past two years, the frequency of our meetings has only increased. The fiction content in my part of the conversation has also grown arithmetically because the theoretical content in your dialogues has grown geometrically. The total marks that you bring with you has remained the same but the time and effort required to attain them has skyrocketed. I've ceased to be the same person that I was a few years ago, and you're probably one, but my far the most significant of the many factors responsible for this.
You've changed my outlook towards life. You've made me enjoy the average college day a bit more that usual. You've taught me to burn the midnight oil if the daylight is insufficient and too transient for my cause. These frequent meetings have soothened all the nerves that used to go mimic Neil Armstrong's heartbeats when he landed on moon, by the simplest of thoughts of a conversation with you. Last but not the least, you've given my parents a reason to be proud of me. They still boast about the outcome of our second "Board meeting".
You've taught me to make hay while things go haywire.

I can see three of your brothers;"GRE", "GATE" and "CAT" approaching. But I don't fear you, neither any one of them, anymore. And all this is because of you. Thanks you so much. Without you, I'd have been just another man, writing just another exam!

Waiting patiently for your reply.

With regards

Monday, December 6, 2010

This is not a status!

So, where were we? Umm.. nowhere. So lets start from scratch.

Well a few friends of mine are complaining that they are a little perplexed for i haven't changed/updated/upgraded my facebook status for a long time and they miss the witty one-liners that i used to plagiarize from a few concealed and well-kept-secret-types sources.
There is some substance to these complaints too. I indeed have missed a few deadlines, when it comes to changing/updating/upgrading my status. But there's a solid reason why.
Not long ago, I used to put anything and almost everything that i felt like on my status bar. The world would know in a jiffy about the color of my new socks and the obnoxious smell emanating from my older ones or the size of my new oversized boxers and the safety pin i had to steal from my mom's cupboard in order to set them right. But soon i realized that updating such utter nonsensical vilifications can do certain things to your personality that i guess you wouldn't be too excited about.
Imagine reaching college one day and the professor asking you what took you so long to and and then a chap from the back bench promptly prompting that you were probably adjusting your underwear and had some unforeseen trouble with the safety pin, or worse still the professor himself kept a watch on your status update and those fateful word's came from his mouth and not of that of the back bencher's! Yeah, i know how pathetic it'd feel.
Fortunately, none of these has happened to me.
But it might had. And it was my moral obligation to ensure the dignity and prestige of my morality.
But alas!! Not all people are as introspective as your truly.
There is a girl, say Q(omg she's so lame),in my friends' list who posts all her college's updates on her profile. She intends to tell X people that teacher Y has asked for some work Z to be submitted by date (shit!! Z was the last letter) D. But since the number of people reading her status update, E, are very large(E>>X), she ends up getting F curses(of course not on her profile, and F is the number of curses and not a specific type of curse), G swear words and H frowning muscles per person. Obviously, F,G and H are very very large numbers.

But then there are some exceptional cases as well. There's a girl I(OMG she's so hot) who puts a Random Rubbish Update RRU on her profile K, and she gets M likes and N(omg i'll soon run out of letters) comments. Where, as you might have guessed, M and N are extremely large numbers.
But friends, yours truly, is neither a jackass like Q(omg she's so lame) nor as mirror-cracking as I(omg she's so hot). I'm just another man owning just another profile(i beg your pardon if this line seems vaguely familiar to you). And consequently, i've decided just to post "those" updates that are either as irresistible as my lust for I(omg she's so hot) or my mood is similar to the one i have when Q(omg she's so lame) posts the date of submission of the next assignment.

Nothing inbetween is acceptable!!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Lend me your ear(phone)s!

Yeah goddamn it. Lend me your earphones. I'll shove them up the right holes.

Your ears deserve something better. Something of the order of Johnson's earbuds, an incense stick's read end or maybe a matchstick(if not the entire matchbox). But please keep those serpents away from those ears.
I sometimes fail to understand why are so many people obsessed with these? Is their conversation so confidential that they afraid being overheard? Or do they really listen to the same songs over and over again on their cellphones or i-pod or tri-pod(whatever)? Do they really have a strong desire to listen to the D grade "Yellow diamond yellow diamond" ads(in between a few interruptions by the RJs) over the FM? Or is it that they can't find something sharper to pull out their earwax? Well in the latter case, I'd prefer them sporting a inch-thick layer of the substance than to have a pair of eerie, creepy wires up their holes.

Lending me your earphones would save you from the torture of untangling them every morning before stabbing them inside the hapless cellphone, and the excruciating trauma you suffer when one of the brothers decides that its screwed you enough and pulls out for fresh air. You can be rest assured that lending me your earphones would make you at least 10% more learned and 22.75% more attentive and observant. It'll enhance your hearing capabilities by another 11.02% and lower the pitch of your voice by a humongous 35%. The lifetime of your cellphone would increase by a modest 5% while its battery backup would show a significant increase of 24.898%. *

So my dear misguided souls! What're you waiting for? Come forward(or just stay where you are) and donate your earphones. Even a small help, something of the order of one of the brothers, or even half of it, would be a giant step for earkind.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls!! Please lend me your earphones and I'll ensure that i shove them up the right holes, which i must clarify, aren't located at the side of your heads.

*The territorial waters of India extend to a distance of 12 nautical miles...oops, wrong clarification.