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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Types of people you might bump on in the Delhi Metro

Owing and bowing to popular demands, I've come up with the list of the kind of people you and I come across in the metro. Here's the dream list-
a)The bloody "Indians": They are essentially out of place physics students who do their experiments at the wrong place, and at the wrong time. They don't believe in the concept of queues. Stack is the only data structures that they respect. They want to be at the top of the stack, always. Before the metro comes, they choose a particular door that they want to enter from. They follow that door like my young cousin brother follows candies. They apply geometry and place themselves exactly at the mid point between the edges of the doors. The moment the doors part, they leap, they jostle, they push, they pull, they run, they grab and they exhale only if their rearside has found a nice little couch to rest on; thereby performing various experiments of gravity, friction, force, motion and work, all in one go! Physics at its very best, desi style!
b)The sentries: There was a time when "being cornered" was supposed to occur more by chance than by choice. But the tragedy is that the last sentence was written in Simple Past tense. The sentries, whether they're inside or outside the metro, are always on the look out for the slightest of opportunities to place themselves strategically between the door handle and the metal-cum-glass frame of the seats. That cow's corner is their utopia, their shangri-la.
c)The pole dancers: Yeah! The pole dancers are exactly like the sentries. However their bliss, their seventh-heaven are the seven foot poles, which are supposed to deal with finger prints rather than body odour. The pole dancers set their bodies up such that the pole runs right from their right ears till the ankle which is (inexplicably) twisted so as to hug the base of the pole. The metro's earth-quakes provide the sufficient external force for the pole dance to be feasible.
d)The early risers: They make their intentions very clear and leave no scope for a last minute panic. They vacate their seats a couple of stations prior to their destination and enhance the population-density near the doors.
e)The chokers: The exact opposite of the above. They wait for the doors to open for what seems like a very long time and make a move when it's about to equilibrium again.(P.S: not to be confused with the extreme south african form of choking where the person is so late that he gets stuck in between the doors every time he's in a hurry)
e)The middle-men: These people earmark a particular spot on the platform from where they always board the train. Then they backstroke against the de-boarding public, breast-stroke over their trailing luggage, butterfly over their dangling feet and freestyle over fellow train-boarders to reach "that" elusive spot between the two compartments. Their aim is to a) be a baby once again, and relive those rocking cradle days and b) They want to showcase their conquest of Newton's first law by standing at the most seismically active spot in the train.
f)The lookout boys: They always board via the first door of the second compartment so that they always face the first compartment(for obvious reasons) while inside the train.
g)The Gajodhars, Mahadevs and the Ramavatars: They board in groups of at least 5 each with each carrying luggage weighing more than each of of their weights put together and occupying more volume than an inert gas occupies in vacuum. They manage to find very interesting places to keep their luggage which includes(but is not limited to) the area midway between the mid point of the doors and the pole right opposite to it or the feet of the pole dancers, the early risers and in rare cases, the bloody Indians too.
h)The plug-ins: The merry men and women who give absolutely no damn to what's happening (to and) around them. Their ears are stuffed with tentacles that originate in their cellphones. Their eyes are focused on the 3 inch screen and they let their thumbs do all the talking.
i)The onlookers: The weirdos who have no other job but to looks at what others are upto. These are the those who stereotype the rest of their fellow travellers and then pass comments on them. On reaching home, they login to their blog account and paste everything that they've seen on it.
Wonder who I'm talking about?

Monday, March 28, 2011

Types of people you might bump on @ facebook

1) The leach: He googles for a famous quote site, navigates to the last pages in order to avoid plagiarism rants, copies the second last quote from the list and pastes this as his FB status. He likes his own status and posts multiple comments on it. After a few days, there are 23 comments and one like on his update. 22 of these 23 are from him and this is the exact number of wall notifications on his friend's FB home page who had the utmost misfortune of commenting on the leach's update.
2) The stammering leach: The leach and the sequence of consecutive full stops, commas and misplaced exclamatory marks make a deadly combination, popularly known as the st.st.st.stammering leach.
3) The flibbertigibbet: The crazy female who does the iota of the iota of her conversations on FB.
4) The games bond: The chap who plays mind jolting games and challenges his innocent friends for a dual. He breaks his own highest score records each week and likes the subsequent notification.
5) The prediction hungry: She feeds on Fortune cookies and shrieks when they're not delivered on time.
6) The capacitor: He feels too lazy to go the market for recharging his balance and tries to find online ways of doing the same. He types expressions like "OMG! It really works" and then gives an obscure link to his virtual shangri-la, thereby providing others the opportunity to become like him by clicking on that link.
7) The tag heuer: He copies random pics from other peoples' profiles, posts them on his and then tags his unsuspecting friends in it. The unluckiest ones, who have the misfortune of a)being his friend and b) being tagged unsolicitedly on inanimate things, bear the agony of a logging in to FB just to see that notification and discovering a square bearing their name superimposed on a donkey going to a college with the world B.Tech/B.Arch/B.Com/B.A stamped on its back.
8) The hi-tec tag heuer: Exactly similar to the above, but someone who uses apps to create these obscure photos rather than manually copying them from somewhere.
9) The diva: The female who changes her profile picture each day and is disappointed when the no. of likes on her new pic fails to reach triple digits, her expected target.
10) The optimistic: The chap who likes everyone's status update hoping that Newton's third law would apply in the virtual world.
11) The chatteratti: The lad who's online 23X7(he hibernates for an hour a day) and looks for potential targets to chat with. He's the reason why the number of friends who're online on FB chat for "that" one hour is unusually high.
12) The narcissist: She clicks tonnes of photos each day, crops out her friends from those and uploads them to an album called "college fun!!" or "fun at blah blah".
13) The hurt locker: He who answers some unknown questions about his friends and wants them to unlock them every time they log in.
14) The perennial frand: He sends friend requests to females who are distinctly related to his own friends typing something like "Cn v b frandz" or "I lyk ure pix".
15) The 'straight'forward: The no nonsense type chap who mentions very very clearly in his profile that his gender is "male" and he's interested in "females". No messing around with him.
16) The perfectionist: The inane female who feels that the minutest of the details of her life deserve to be made public.
17) The video analyst: He hunts for anything and everything on youtube that's fit(or unfit) for posting on FB and uploads it on FB so sooner he finds it.
18) The assignment lady: The lady who believes that Google groups are just not intuitive enough to spread the word on assignment submission and pre-requisites for tomorrow's class.
19) The cryptographers: The rare breed of men who prefer to encode before they transmit so that ordinary people scratch their heads for two minutes on reading the content and conclude that these men are really ultra-intelligent.
20) The opportunist: The perverts who use facebook just for publicity. They write something crap somewhere else and post its notification on FB just to divert the traffic from their wall to their blog.

I lie in the XXth category! Which one do you fit it?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

someone i love to hate

Arindam Chaudhary(The Sunday Indian)
yeah! right. The boss of India's fifth best B-School[ :-) ], and the numero uno in Global exposure[ :-D ] is the biggest pest on the idiot box. His writings and speeches usually defy convention and always defy logic. He counts his chicken before they hatch, tells a charcoal to discover the diamond in himself and contradicts his school's (alleged) reputation by talking about the great Indian dream. He takes interesting stands on world issues, produces even more interesting movies and makes the most interesting observations regarding the Indian education system, of which he's and integral part. His dressing sense is weird, if not ridiculus. His hairdo is feminist, if not feminine. His specs look un'spec'tacular, if not ugly. His voice is dilapidated, if not disgusting. Arindam, please retire gracefully. Sunday is a the best day of the week. Please let it be that way. Publish your Sunday Indian on tuesdays, so that the week doesn't have to advance saying WTF(wednesday, thursday, friday) by two days!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Karma! You bitch!!

Karma is a cliche, a fad and a bitch. Its something that happens unintentionally when you are doing something, and its something that ceases to exist, that contradicts its definitions, that violates its thresholds when you try to do it explicitly. No enlightened soul dares to define karma, because in the process of doing so, he isn't doing Karma, which is imperative to enlightenment. Sooner or later one realizes that not only its definition, but everything related to karma is not related to it.
Whim is the big daddy of karma. Whenever I've made hasty decisions, left it to the eleventh hour, procrastinated it almost to the point of no return, I've observed that I've invariably tasted success. The converse has seldom been true. Planning for the minutest of details, preparing till the eleventh hour and starting way before the schedule has seldom took me across the line or above the bar. The last New Year's resolution I took was way back in 2006, the last time I promised to myself that I'll study harder to come first this year was way back in the second semester, the last time I started preparing for the sessionals was almost two semesters ago!
When I tried it, my results did not deteriorate In fact they, as expected, soared . I never came first, nor have I wanted to. College is no school where you get brownie points for topping the class. College is different, you can't do shit with your first rank. The toppers are always stereotyped and marginalized as outcast and looked down upon. I've seen these toppers, do really cheap things for the smallest of increments in their marks. Everytime this happens, I ask myself," Vikas, are you better than this, and are you better than these". The answer, every time is an overwhelming YES! Deep within, there's still that belief(and lifeline) that I'm the best I've seen and I'm the best there is. No academic result(or otherwise) can dampen this belief. No academic result(or otherwise) is needed to reinforce it. It's what it is, its what it's always been and it's what it'll always be. It's depression-resistant, stress-proof and failure-absorbent. Its implicit, innate and immortal, just like karma, the cliche, the fad, the bitch.
Whenever I underestimated my opponents, I emerged on top. Whenever I respected their skill, their talent, their poise, I was steamrolled. Whenever I played to win the medal, I triumphed. Whenever I played to give my best, I faltered. With each success, this eccentric theory grew stronger till the point it became an axiom, a heuristic; a thumb rule.
In retrospection, I've realized that karma is all I did whenever I did not crave to do it. By respecting my opponents and trying to give my best I was not doing what I do best. I was trying harder than I needed to. I was striving for chivalry, which I thought would redirect me to Karma. It didn't. It never does. It never will. All I learned was that there was no indirect route to Karma. Infact direct or indirect, there's absolutely no route to Karma. Karma finds you. Its there, lurking somewhere obscured from your eyesight. The more you try to see it, the more obscured it becomes. Treat it like your master, your caliph, your prince and it'll throw its tantrums. Treat it like a bitch, don't give a damn, do what you do best, it'll wag its tail and will come looking for you and do what it does best; lick your feet.
Karma! You bitch!!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Don't win it for Sachin!

No sooner the clouds of the CWC2011 appeared on the horizon, the rabbles and rumbles began that this being Sachin's last world cup(a rational but blasphemous assumption), Dhoni and his boys(a euphemism for fully grown adults) have to win it for him. The phrase "win it for ..." is actually a misnomer because it literally means that the cup(that counts) is a cerelac solution in a spoon that is going to be fed to the little boy(a stupid metaphor for Sachin), while the cup(the one that counts) can't be grasped without the little boy's help. In a nutshell, this means that the cup(that counts) can't be won for Sachin without his own help.
So here's my list of the people for which India should win this world cup...

1)Win it for Kapil's Devils: These 11 folks did the most herculean of all tasks by beating Clive Lloyd and his men in the era in which they were considered invincible. The highest point of their careers was posing for the paparazzi from that Lord's balcony. However, their tragedies began ever since they retired. World cup after world cup, they're invited to a dozen shows on half a dozen news channels to recollect "those golden moments"; Kapil's fabulous 175 against the Zimbabweans, Chikka's blitzkrieg against the Windies, Kirti Azad's miserly spell against the Englishmen, Yashpal Sharma's magnificent flick for six and Amarnath's wobly dobly bowling in the last two games. These poor fellows are on the verge of Schizophrenia. Good Lord, please, they need a break, and more importantly, they need someone to take their seats. Win it for them.

2)Laxman Shivramkrishnan: Win it for Shiva, guys!! So that he gets a heart attack from the euphoria and we won't have to listen to his commentary again.

3)Ajay Jadeja: Win it for him MSD; the only rational and sound voice in midst of the constant rabble and babble on the Idiot box by the idiotic news channels.

4)ESPN STAR: The only sane cricket broadcaster in India deserve it for allowing us to watch every ball as it is without those "Sangeetha" and "Paragon hawai chappal" ads creeping up on either side of the pitch while the bowler is in his delivery stride.(And also for keeping Navjat Singh Piddhu away from the commentary box).

5)E.X.A.M: Tell this bloody four letter word that no matter how consistent and frequent this would be, but in the batting powerplay(March-April), there's only one boss, and that's not him.

6)Bryan Adams: Tell that lazy old Canadian fox that the next time he comes to the cricket world cup, he would need to prepare a special song exclusively for the event and 'summer of '69' is well past its sell by date(although the number "69" is still appealing) .

7)Sharad Pawar: Win it for the full time president of ICC and part-time Agricultural minister of India. Ensure that while you're opening the champagne bottle, you don't forget to nudge and push him off the stage as the Aussies did during the 2006 champions trophy.

8)Lalit Modi: Win it for the (ex)commissioner of the IPL! He'll finally have something to write about on his Twitter update that doesn't contain "IPL" as a substring.

9)Shane Warne: The blonde leg spinner might see an innings from Sachin which is "actually" better than Yusuf Pathan's hundred in IPL2.

10)Ricky Ponting: Win it for the Punter! He's still undecided on when to announce his retirement. Please help him take this decision.

Last but not the least, win it for every boyfriend and husband of India. Send a strong message to their spouses that "we" haven't wasted half of our lives assimilating fat in front of the TV doing utterly obnoxious nothing. All the brownie points that we missed out on, counts for something. It accounts for the cup, and the cup is the one and only one that matters.