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Monday, March 21, 2011

Don't win it for Sachin!

No sooner the clouds of the CWC2011 appeared on the horizon, the rabbles and rumbles began that this being Sachin's last world cup(a rational but blasphemous assumption), Dhoni and his boys(a euphemism for fully grown adults) have to win it for him. The phrase "win it for ..." is actually a misnomer because it literally means that the cup(that counts) is a cerelac solution in a spoon that is going to be fed to the little boy(a stupid metaphor for Sachin), while the cup(the one that counts) can't be grasped without the little boy's help. In a nutshell, this means that the cup(that counts) can't be won for Sachin without his own help.
So here's my list of the people for which India should win this world cup...

1)Win it for Kapil's Devils: These 11 folks did the most herculean of all tasks by beating Clive Lloyd and his men in the era in which they were considered invincible. The highest point of their careers was posing for the paparazzi from that Lord's balcony. However, their tragedies began ever since they retired. World cup after world cup, they're invited to a dozen shows on half a dozen news channels to recollect "those golden moments"; Kapil's fabulous 175 against the Zimbabweans, Chikka's blitzkrieg against the Windies, Kirti Azad's miserly spell against the Englishmen, Yashpal Sharma's magnificent flick for six and Amarnath's wobly dobly bowling in the last two games. These poor fellows are on the verge of Schizophrenia. Good Lord, please, they need a break, and more importantly, they need someone to take their seats. Win it for them.

2)Laxman Shivramkrishnan: Win it for Shiva, guys!! So that he gets a heart attack from the euphoria and we won't have to listen to his commentary again.

3)Ajay Jadeja: Win it for him MSD; the only rational and sound voice in midst of the constant rabble and babble on the Idiot box by the idiotic news channels.

4)ESPN STAR: The only sane cricket broadcaster in India deserve it for allowing us to watch every ball as it is without those "Sangeetha" and "Paragon hawai chappal" ads creeping up on either side of the pitch while the bowler is in his delivery stride.(And also for keeping Navjat Singh Piddhu away from the commentary box).

5)E.X.A.M: Tell this bloody four letter word that no matter how consistent and frequent this would be, but in the batting powerplay(March-April), there's only one boss, and that's not him.

6)Bryan Adams: Tell that lazy old Canadian fox that the next time he comes to the cricket world cup, he would need to prepare a special song exclusively for the event and 'summer of '69' is well past its sell by date(although the number "69" is still appealing) .

7)Sharad Pawar: Win it for the full time president of ICC and part-time Agricultural minister of India. Ensure that while you're opening the champagne bottle, you don't forget to nudge and push him off the stage as the Aussies did during the 2006 champions trophy.

8)Lalit Modi: Win it for the (ex)commissioner of the IPL! He'll finally have something to write about on his Twitter update that doesn't contain "IPL" as a substring.

9)Shane Warne: The blonde leg spinner might see an innings from Sachin which is "actually" better than Yusuf Pathan's hundred in IPL2.

10)Ricky Ponting: Win it for the Punter! He's still undecided on when to announce his retirement. Please help him take this decision.

Last but not the least, win it for every boyfriend and husband of India. Send a strong message to their spouses that "we" haven't wasted half of our lives assimilating fat in front of the TV doing utterly obnoxious nothing. All the brownie points that we missed out on, counts for something. It accounts for the cup, and the cup is the one and only one that matters.

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