Friday, April 29, 2011

The weekly quote-shoot [chapter 2]

A lot of things, both bad and worse, happened over the past seven days, both in my life and in the newspapers! I'll talk about my own in some other post, but right now its the time for my weekly shooting spree. Here we go...
i)M.K Kanimozhi, daughter of M.Karunanidhi and co-accused in the 2G-scam
What she said: “I will not disclose my income tax info under RTI”
What she didn't say: “Who said I don't want to disclose it? I spoke to the Income Tax sleuths yesterday. They said they're having problems printing my bank account details. Albeit for some weird reason, everytime they query for my account balance, their database crashes printing some error messages like 'retrieved figure out of Integer's range' and stuff”.

ii)Vyalar Ravi, MoS, Civil Aviation
What he said: “The (agititating Air India) pilots, aren't even graduates. Their starting salary is Rs. 3.6 lacs per months. Other Indians earn less that Rs. 50 per month”
What he didn't say: “Thank God! Traveling cattle class in in Air India was never my cup of tea. Lets hope I get to fly on Jet, at least till these chaps carry on with their stuff”.

iii) Emma Watson
What she said: “Bullying wasn't the reason for me leaving the Brown University”
What she didn't say: “I guess the guys at the new university will not shout '50 points for Gryffindor' everytime I raise my hand in the class”

iv) Sunil Gavaskar, giving his reasons why Jimmy Amarnath should have been made the coach of the Indian team instead of Duncan Fletcher
What he said: “The core of the Indian team today is from the Hindi-speaking belt”
What he didn't say: “All our best coaches have come from Hindi-speaking belts. John Wright comes from Wellington, which has two North-Indian dhabas and Gary came from Cape Town, where my favorite show Khatron Ke Khiladi was shot last year. Traditional Hindi-speaking belts, you see!”

v)Timothy Roemer, US ambassador to India, after US firms Boeing and Lockheed Martin lost out to European Rafale and Eurofighter aircrafts in the race for IAF's multi million dollar aircaft deal
What he said: “I've decided to quit. I was told that the procedure(for the deal) would be fair. But it wasn't”
What he didn't say: “Well what do you do after you F-16 shoots down thirteen Rafales and seventeen Eurofighter Typhoons during one sortie? Ha ha!!! Gotha! You just turn off your play station an go to sleep”.

vi) Jose Mourinho, Real Madrid's head coach, after his side lost to Barcelona in the first leg of their UEFA champion's league semi-final clash
What he said: “I respect Pep Guardiola(Barcelona's coach) a great deal as a person and as a coach. But i'd like to see him win the Champion's league without sandles for once”
What he didn't: Bloody hell! I'll have to stick to euphemism as long as the (Messi)ah is still playing for his side.

vii)Anonymous, Ashmit Patel's friend on Ashmit's relationship with Veena Malik
What he said: “It was a one way affair from Veena's side. She loved him, he didnt”
What he didn't: “I've heard that this time around only married couples would be allowed inside Big Boss. To prevent the torture of these scoundrels marrying each other and the torture of having to see them on the TV again, I had to spread this rumor”.

viii)Kiran Reddy, CM Andhra Pradesh
What he said: “The Andhra government will not take over Sri Sathya Sai Trust after his holiness' demise”.
What he didn't: “We're looking for more lucrative areas to take over. Only yesterday I heard the news that A Raja and Kanimozhi run an IT company out of Hyderabad.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The weekly quote-shoot

Starting today, yours sincerely is going to write a weekly blog featuring the famous quotes of famous (or otherwise) personalities said during the week gone by. Yours sincerely will also try to tell you what they didn't say so that you wouldn't have as much difficulty in undestanding their quotes as they had in 'researching' for them on the internet. So, here we go.

i) Arvind Kejriwal:
What  he said: "No one's going to resign from the drafting committee".
What he didn't say: "Resignation is just fine, but the replacement might delay the bill. First, the civil society would choose a particular candidate with a decent track record. Second, the PM would google the name of the selected candidate to discover/invent true/false cases against him. Third, PM would speak to Mulayam Singh and Amar Singh to convince them to lend their voices again for recording another CD in return for stalling the CBI probe against them. Fourth, he'll tell his assistant to hire someone from the Sangeet natak academy who sounds exactly like the new representaive and will direct him to read out the script along with Mulayam Singh while Amar Singh records it. Fifth, all media channels would be sent a copy of this CD. Sixth, the Central Forensic Science Laboratory would certify this CD as non-tampered.
All this would take atleast sixth months and the monsoon session of the parliament would've given way to the winter session, with the Lokpal bill already kept in the cold bag".

ii) Digvijay Singh:
What he said: Santosh Hegde, Karnataka lokayukta and member of the drafting committee of the Lokpal bill, has been "ineffectual in curbing graft in Karnataka".
What he didn't say: "Instead of Hegde, Karnataka CM BSY should be in the drafting committee to provide first hand account of the possible loopholes in the bill which can be exploited by him to continue illegal mining in his state".

iii)Duleep Mendis, chief selector of Sri Lanka Cricket, on Lasith Malinga's request to withdraw his name from Sri Lanka's test squad for the tour of England
What he said: "It looks a bit awkward when someone says he's injured and continues to play (IPL)".
What he didn't say: "Of course son! I have no problems as long as the word "Mumbai" is still a part of the name of the team that you're playing for".

iv)E Sreedharan, chief, Delhi Metro:
What he said: "In order to avoid the kind of crowds we see in the metro these days, we've decided that all the new metro trains on the new routes would have nine coaches".
What he didn't say: "In order to cut down the costs owing to starting and stopping the metro at each station, we've made the train long enough so that it stops once every two stations".

v)Abhishek Bachchan
What he said: "I can't hide a pregnant Aishwarya"
What he didn't say: "But if "Dum Maro Dum" also bombs at the box office, then I can certainly hide behind her". [what an idea sir jee]

vi)Prakash Karat, chairman, CPM politbureau
What he said: "We strictly oppose the Jaitapur nuclear plant, which would be the biggest in the world as Nuclear technology is still untested".
What he meant: "How can we make such a hazardous power plant in Jaitapur? Jaitapur is an integral part of Maharashtra. Maharashtra is an integral part of India. And India is an integral part of China."

vii)Virender Sehwag, on the eve of Delhi's game against KKR in the IPL
What he said: "I'm not worried over Delhi's no-show"
What he meant: "All I'm worried about is my own bad form with the bat and KKR's good form with the ball".

viii)Sergio Ramos,on dropping the King's cup trophy which was crushed under the team bus's wheels during the celebration following Real Madrid defeating Barcelona in the final after 16 years.
What he said: "A misunderstanding, it didn't jumped off when it reached the fountain of madrid and saw so many madrid fans"
What he meant: "Someone amongst us shouted that Messi had jumped on to the bus to claim the trophy. Being a defender, it was my job to prevent him from scoring a goal. In the process, i ended up scoring an own goal".

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A night away

My darling who had been sleeping with me all these nights for the past two years, has finally decided to take a break! She'll spend today's night at somebody else's place. But rather than feeling distraught and flabbergasted, I'm quite upbeat about our separation.
To be fair to her, I'd used and abused her incessantly. My continuous fingering had let her badly bruised. She let me have my way, without any grievances, without any complaints and without any demands. Two years of monotonic love making left her with a broken spine, chronic lethargy, a lost eye and a set of non functional vocal chords. Eventually the most appealing thing about her; her sheen, her candour, her luminance... disappeared.
I knew that if something wasn't done right away, it would've been too late. It was just the question of me realising that how much was too much. It was that very moment that I decided that something had to give. It was that very moment that I decided that something had to be given that very  moment. And then came the decision. To be with me forever, she had to...had to spend a night at another man's place. To be able to touch her all my life, I had to...had to let her be touched, both externally and ...internally by another man. She needed her sight, she needed her spite, she needed her spine and she needed her sheen. I couldn't provide these to her. Had I been able to, she wouldn't have been in this situation in the first place.
So off I went. I carried her on my back shrugging off the all the minor disturbances and turbulence on the way. Finding a suitable "another 'un" for her was difficult. There are way too many who volunteer for this job, more so at the place where I took her. And then I found it...and then I found him. After all negotiations, it all came down to the promises he and I made to each other. He promised to do to her in a night what I had always craved to do to her. I had no option but to accede to his demands. Yes! I finalised the deal. I left her. Yes! I left her there. Yes! I came back. Yes! I came back without her.
He had promised to give me a call at 10 pm regarding the status and further course of action on her. I started to get a bit edgy no sooner the clock shouted 10. And then it came, a good fifteen minutes past 10.
"Sir, aapke laptop ko repair karne ka kharcha 6000 rupae aega. Hinges ke 1500, battery ke 2000, speakers ke 1000 and display ke 1500".