Monday, May 2, 2011

Just Bin Laden: An Obituary

With profound grief, we wish to inform you that Usāmah bin Muḥammad bin ʿAwaḍ bin Lādin, aka Osama Bin Laden, hit the bucket this dawn. He is survived by his four wives, seventeen mistresses and twelve legal and twenty-four illegal sons of a gun.
As a leader, he was respected by one and all. We all trusted him with out faith, our lives and our wives. He was our single biggest source of inspiration, others being Justin Bieber's voice and Venkatesh Prasad's bat. He had a terrific track record as a sharp shooter. Had he represented saudi arabia in the olympics, he would have surely won the trap,double trap and 10m air rifle events, all with a Kalashnikov, in the process, shooting down those as well who dared to compete against him. His stamina was world class. He could run many a mile no sooner someone told him that a Predator Drone was approaching.
He was a big movie buff. He had seen Sholay 911 times. Everytime he watched it, he would tell us that he would've done better than that guy Gabbar Singh. He used to ridicule the SLR guns that Gabbar had. Kalashnikov was his unanimous choice. He would also take offence to the way Gabbar handled the Thakur issue. He used to say that had he been in his place, he would've decapitated Thakur instead of the much meeker alternative of chopping off his arms. "Gabbar has no balls", he used to say.
His perseverance and celibacy were awe inspiring. He never touched women on second Saturdays and on blue moons of each month. He had tremendous respect for women. He believed that a woman's place was not in his feet...but in his bed. He left his biological trails right from Sudan in the west to Pakistan in the east. Women were so shy of him that they would run home and bolt the doors from inside the moment the word spread that he was around. Even he was so shy of them that he would slip in through the windows of their homes to avoid the embarrassment of going through the door.
He was a big Harry Potter fan. He used to roam around with snakes around his neck, often muttering something which he used to call Parseltongue. It is rumoured that when he died this morning, he had a dead Boa Constrictor in his left hand and a copy of "Quidditch through the ages" in his right hand.
We all feel very lonely without him. The world seems to have lost its colour. Even my wife has gone mad. She's crazily distributing sweets to all other women of the society, who too are behaving in the similar bizarre way. No word can condole or provide commiseration to our inconsolable souls which have just lost its soulmate.

In remembrance,
Asif Ali Zardari,
pro-tem chief, al-qaeda
part time president, Islamic Republic of Pakistan