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Monday, September 17, 2012

The K Files: The 'Committee'ment


A few committees' names have been willfully omitted. The author is fully aware of their existence and activities. He just can't remember their names. 
The following might well be seen as a display of the author's frustration at not being selected for any of the  committees.

Students' Council
What it does: Organizes an annual booze party where alleged couples get drunk and allegedly puke in each others mouths while kissing
What it does not do: Hehe! They do everything, and that includes undo
Why should I join Students' Council? I want girls to see me as a quintessential jack-of-all-trades who has fifteen hundred friends on Facebook

Placement Committee
What it does: Threatens to put your counterfeit signatures on the 'I voluntary opt-out of the placement process because my father's name is Steve Ballmer' letter since you turned up at McKinsey's pre-placement talk with your mustache half a millimeter longer than the prescribed limit
What it does not do: Live and let live
Why should I join Placement Committee? Hehe! The answer is a no-brainer: I am a no-brainer

Cultural Committee
What it does: Keeps a watch on occasions when men wear Kurtas and women, Sarees and they all  make Rangolis and take a lot of photographs
What it does not do: Work when the photographers are away
Why should I join Cultural Committee? I want to showcase my skills at (posing with) the guitar

Backwaters Committee
What it does: Organizes Backwaters, the annual Management fest; a strategy to print more and more t-shirts, most of which are shipped back home, while the others are worn on a use-and-throw basis on every Monday till the next year's fest
What it does not do: Print enough XL and XXL size t-shirts
Why should I join Backwaters Committee? It has the most members. Free-riding time!

Industry Interaction Cell
What it does: Invites Ashish Nehras to advice budding batsmen on how to improve their footwork
What it does not do: Provide certificates (of excellence from Munaf Patel School of Fielding at Gully)
Why should I join Industry Interaction Cell? Damn the Placement committee for not selecting me! I will now eat into their market share.

Alumni Committee
What it does: Pesters the alumni
What it does not do: Provide butter-chicken at Sangam, the annual alumni get-together
Why should I join Alumni Committee? To extract useful information like details about previous years' end-term question papers, right from the horses' mouths

Media Cell
What it does: Supplies newspapers to dorm rooms
What it does not do: Supply the above in time and on time
Why should I join Media Cell? I get a feeling of immense pride when I see my Director's article on the the 11th page of Economic Times, right beneath Arindam Chaudhary's life size photograph.

Sports Committee
What it does: An offshoot of Placement Committee, it lures Sports Management firm to come for recruitment
What it does not do: Purchase strikers and queens for the carrom boards kept in the common room
Why should I join Sports Committee? I'll get to eat at McDonalds' when I go to Bangalore for the inter-IIM sports meet. 

Social Services Group
What it does: Organizes movie screenings for Mess workers and their children
What it does not do: Show the mess workers better films, thereby motivating them to prepare better food
Why should I join Social Services Group? While many of my comrades have worked for the government, my CV will stand out as I am working for an NGO.

Marathon Committee
What it does: Organizes an yearly marathon and encourages narcophilic and alcoholophilic students to run for causes like substance and alcohol abuse
What it does not do: Invite Kenyans and Ethiopians
Why should I join Marathon Committee? To give the hapless sponsors a 'run for their money' while 'taking them for a ride'

MadCom (Merchandise and Design committee)
What it does: Sells, at exorbitant prices, substandard cutlery, fabric and paper bearing the institute's insignia 
What it does not do: 4P's
Why should I join MadCom? The 'Jago Grahak Jago' campaign never really appealed to me. 



Friday, September 7, 2012

The K Files: MBA in a nutshell

As the first term draws to a close, here is the learning from all the subjects covered so far.


i) Quantitative Methods

Reason for existence: So that the next time someone chooses a B-School, you advice him to look at the 'median' and not the 'mean' starting salary.

What it means: Even the most abnormal of distributions are Normally Distributed.

What it also means: If you go stand at the centre of the grand entrance of the GIP Mall you'll be able to touch 68.27% of the ladies coming in. The percentage would increase to 95.45 and 99.73 respectively if you, miraculously, double or triple your arms' length. 

What it actually means: No matter how big you are, the study of probability still begins with tossing a coin.


ii) Organizational Behavior

Reason for existence: An American's crusade against Standard British English; a propaganda to ensure that people write Organizational Behavior in place of Organisational Behavior, Organisational Behaviour and Organizational Behaviour.

What it means: The employee will come to the office at 11, chat with his colleague next cubicle, play Solitaire all day on his PC and leave at 5:30. His boss, keenly observing him all along, will look at some Pyramid drawn on his wall and utter 'Self Actualisation'! 

What it also means: If you aren't a splice of a pyramid, a bar in a graph or the side of a square, you're most certainly a corner of a circle.

What it actually means: What happens in Robbins, stays in Robbins.


iii) Marketing Management

Reason for existence: To teach you how to misuse the word 'leverage'.

What it means: Marketing has 16 different definitions. Either you go learn all of them, or simply accept that marketing ≠ selling. 

What it also means: The companies, allegedly, contemplate names like Sikandar Kher, Uday Chopra and Mimoh Chakravarti before deciding that it will be Shahrukh in the bathtub with all the leading ladies around.

What it actually means: The English alphabet is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPPPPQRSTUVWXYZ.


iv) Managerial Accounting

Reason for existence: So that words like 'agony', 'trauma', 'regret' and 'frustration' do not become useless.

What it means: The hell with the Oxford English Dictionary, if a thing has certain value to you, a 'debit' in its value is an increase, and 'credit', a decrease.

What it also means: You're a liability on your parents' Balance Sheet. Your future has no Cash Flow and hence, your income statement will draw a blank.

What it actually means: You think MBA is your 9th sem of Engineering? Well, think again! 


v) Microeconomics

Reason for existence: To change the way you look at 'curves'.

What it means: While reading this, as you gobble the hapless chips of the Lay's packet in your hand, you're moving along a curve. Another unsuspecting dude, working at the Lay's factory is moving along another curve. When the two curves intersect, you'll be compelled to eat as many chips as he produces. Nothing more, nothing less.

What it also means: When in doubt, equating two quantities, both of which contain the word 'marginal', will increase your chances of passing.

What it actually means: Astrology. Palmistry. Hokum.


vi) Business Computing

Reason for existence: Engineers should not miss their Alma Mater.

What it means: Thou shalt not excel sans Excel.

What it also means: 'Long time, no see'
Regards,
Waterfall Model

What it actually means: *404: Page not found*


vii) Managerial Communication (or is it Business Communication?)

Reason for existence: 2 c da xtnt 2 whch v ppl stll read n rite da lang prprly :) :P :D..lolz.......,,,,!!!!11

What it means: You're English is so bad that next time around, CAT will make things more difficult for engineers like you.

What it also means: There's at least one exam for which you do not need to come prepared.

What it actually means: Hehe! 12th std. wasn't the last time you studied English.


viii) Social Transformation of India

Reason for existence: To show how capitalist, racist, sexist, casteist, jingoistic, homophobic, Islamophobic you are.

What it means: It means you're all of the above.

What it also means: It still means you're all of the above.

What it actually means: You'll always be all of the above.