Pages

Friday, September 7, 2012

The K Files: MBA in a nutshell

As the first term draws to a close, here is the learning from all the subjects covered so far.


i) Quantitative Methods

Reason for existence: So that the next time someone chooses a B-School, you advice him to look at the 'median' and not the 'mean' starting salary.

What it means: Even the most abnormal of distributions are Normally Distributed.

What it also means: If you go stand at the centre of the grand entrance of the GIP Mall you'll be able to touch 68.27% of the ladies coming in. The percentage would increase to 95.45 and 99.73 respectively if you, miraculously, double or triple your arms' length. 

What it actually means: No matter how big you are, the study of probability still begins with tossing a coin.


ii) Organizational Behavior

Reason for existence: An American's crusade against Standard British English; a propaganda to ensure that people write Organizational Behavior in place of Organisational Behavior, Organisational Behaviour and Organizational Behaviour.

What it means: The employee will come to the office at 11, chat with his colleague next cubicle, play Solitaire all day on his PC and leave at 5:30. His boss, keenly observing him all along, will look at some Pyramid drawn on his wall and utter 'Self Actualisation'! 

What it also means: If you aren't a splice of a pyramid, a bar in a graph or the side of a square, you're most certainly a corner of a circle.

What it actually means: What happens in Robbins, stays in Robbins.


iii) Marketing Management

Reason for existence: To teach you how to misuse the word 'leverage'.

What it means: Marketing has 16 different definitions. Either you go learn all of them, or simply accept that marketing ≠ selling. 

What it also means: The companies, allegedly, contemplate names like Sikandar Kher, Uday Chopra and Mimoh Chakravarti before deciding that it will be Shahrukh in the bathtub with all the leading ladies around.

What it actually means: The English alphabet is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPPPPQRSTUVWXYZ.


iv) Managerial Accounting

Reason for existence: So that words like 'agony', 'trauma', 'regret' and 'frustration' do not become useless.

What it means: The hell with the Oxford English Dictionary, if a thing has certain value to you, a 'debit' in its value is an increase, and 'credit', a decrease.

What it also means: You're a liability on your parents' Balance Sheet. Your future has no Cash Flow and hence, your income statement will draw a blank.

What it actually means: You think MBA is your 9th sem of Engineering? Well, think again! 


v) Microeconomics

Reason for existence: To change the way you look at 'curves'.

What it means: While reading this, as you gobble the hapless chips of the Lay's packet in your hand, you're moving along a curve. Another unsuspecting dude, working at the Lay's factory is moving along another curve. When the two curves intersect, you'll be compelled to eat as many chips as he produces. Nothing more, nothing less.

What it also means: When in doubt, equating two quantities, both of which contain the word 'marginal', will increase your chances of passing.

What it actually means: Astrology. Palmistry. Hokum.


vi) Business Computing

Reason for existence: Engineers should not miss their Alma Mater.

What it means: Thou shalt not excel sans Excel.

What it also means: 'Long time, no see'
Regards,
Waterfall Model

What it actually means: *404: Page not found*


vii) Managerial Communication (or is it Business Communication?)

Reason for existence: 2 c da xtnt 2 whch v ppl stll read n rite da lang prprly :) :P :D..lolz.......,,,,!!!!11

What it means: You're English is so bad that next time around, CAT will make things more difficult for engineers like you.

What it also means: There's at least one exam for which you do not need to come prepared.

What it actually means: Hehe! 12th std. wasn't the last time you studied English.


viii) Social Transformation of India

Reason for existence: To show how capitalist, racist, sexist, casteist, jingoistic, homophobic, Islamophobic you are.

What it means: It means you're all of the above.

What it also means: It still means you're all of the above.

What it actually means: You'll always be all of the above.

1 comment: