Saturday, October 27, 2012

The K Files: Facts about B-School Seminars

Having attended quite a few over the course of the past 4 months, this is what I’ve actually learned from the seminars:

  • The microphones never work.
  • No matter how late you come, the first two rows are always vacant.
  • The first to come occupy the last row, but since the first two rows remain vacant, are forced to move to the front.
  • The introduction speech of the speaker by the organizer is invariably the contents of his LinkedIn page interspersed with ‘a’,’and’,’the’ and ’he’.
  • No speaker knows how to operate the Slide Changer Remote.
  • As the speaker browses through his file system to search for the ppt, all attendees follow the mouse’s motion on the screen as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world.
  • No matter how many times the speaker says the word 'interactive', the communication flow is always one way.
  • The more the times the speaker utters the word 'interactive', the boring it is.
  • The most interactive seminars happen when you're sitting in the front row.
  • At least once during the seminar, the speaker would use ‘alumni’ in place of ‘alumnus’, or ‘alumnus’ in place of ‘alumna’.
  • The person sitting next to you is always the one asking the most questions.
  • There’s always a couple sitting in the corner that waits for the seminar to start.
    And the lights to dim.
  • Out of 300 people, the randomly selected person to answer an Einsteinesqe question is always you.
  • During a seminar, on an average, three phones rings and thrice as many fall on the floor.
  • The maximum time between two consecutive questions asked to the speaker is always the one between the 0th and the 1st question.
  • The speaker always says ‘no question is silly’.
  • Without exception, all questions asked are silly.
  • Without exception, all answers by the speakers are answers to some other questions not asked by the questioner. 
  • If the speaker says, “I’ll take this question offline”, it actually means, “How the fuck can you ask this publicly?”
  • If the speaker says, “I’ll get back to you on this”, it actually means, “I don’t know”.
  • If the speaker says, “You can mail me the remaining quesitons”, it actually means, “Kiss my ass”.
  • In each seminar, there’s always an obnoxious person who asks a question after the scheduled end of the seminar.
  • Your girlfriend, mother, father and siblings all decide to check upon your status during these two hours.
  • The most (and only) important section of the seminar is delivered when you’re half asleep.
  • You are forced to laugh at the poorest of jokes of the speaker as the person next to you, like the person next to him, and likewise, are all laughing.
  • No matter how boring the seminar is, the organizer, in his concluding speech would thank the speaker for the ‘lively’ and ‘interactive’ session.
  • The claps at the end of the session are always sarcastic.