Life of ∏

  I am ∏, and yes, this is my story. I was born to Mr. Circumference and Ms. Diameter, who unfortunately had to part ways and divide before my birth. Please pardon me for being unable to recollect my exact year of birth. I’ve grown old. Yesterday, ∑ left me stumped by asking me my Googol^th digit. Seriously, I do not remember beyond a million now. I answered ‘7’ and got away with it just because even he didn’t have a clue. I then gave him a small problem of summing up my first 100 digits. I tell you, this ∑ is very good at summations. Within no time he came up with the right answer. In the meantime, sultry e had walked towards us. You know how much I used to like her, no? People always accused me of being irrational, but then if I was irrational, so was e. You know how I never gave up on her… until that scoundrel Natural Log came along. From the very moment that he first stood beside her, they became 1. Recently there’ve been rumours that the unity isn’t what it used to be, and e wants out. It’s also been alleged that e is seeing another man by the name Log 10, who, people say owns 2.303 times as much as Natural Log does. Anyway, e invited us to her birthday party. She also said that she was in talks with rockstar ψ to perform on her birthday. Apparently, he is friends with a friend of hers. Not only did he agree to perform, but he even agreed to charge 1.618 Cr instead of his usual 2.618 Cr for the performance. We were elated and said it would indeed be an honour to be on the guest list.

But then life’s not always this fair no? We had barely uttered thanks when the bully brothers, α, β and γ, made themselves visible. They had overheard our conversation and were now pestering e to invite them to her birthday too. Poor e had to relent. I felt bad for her. At the same time, I had this enormous urge to knock their teeth off. You know na these were the guys who nicknamed me 22/7? Terrible, terrible name. Not only is it inaccurate, but it also gives people the impression that like the so called rational ones, even I possess a split personality. P/Q, they call it. I swear to God that if I have my way, I’ll first take out this γ guy. I know that he’s a third as potent as α and half as potent as β. Then I’ll take out β, and then, this stupid α. You know na what this α thinks of himself? He says the whole world belongs to him. He even calls it by a stupid name, the Alphabet. In order to avoid confrontation, though, I left.

Just when I thought my day couldn’t get any worse, I bumped into iota on my way back home. I hope you know all about iota. He’s the biggest liar the Alphabet... er the world, has ever seen. In fact there isn’t an iota of a real side to him. He narrated one of these imagined stories of his. Apparently, he tried to broker a peace between e and her x husband (Natural Log). No matter how much he tried to integrate e^x, he couldn’t succeed. e and x share a strange relationship, he says. Apparently, Log10 has tried to create misunderstandings and differentiations in e^x. He hasn’t been successful so far, he concludes. Iota also reports having witnessed improvement in the behaviour of his cousin, δ, even since he was convicted for felony. But he says the change is too small and that δ will have to wait a while till he can apply for a parole. Frankly, I feel iota is full of gas and his level usually exceeds the standard of 8.314 units per second set by R. That is why I do not believe a word of what he says.

Very eventful day that. Met a lot of people, a few good ones, a few not-so-good ones. For now though, all I can think of is e’s party and ψ’s performance. I just hope he performs the Golden-um song. I also look forward to meeting e again at her party. There is always this constant trouble which arises when people try to broker peace and integrate e and her x. I hope I am this constant this time. For that I’ll need to be sure that integration efforts do take place. Definite integration is required.  I hope it does happen. Oh Lord! The tension! Definite Integration, Lord! I can’t afford to C this anymore.

Cleanliness is Godliness

17. 17 days have gone by since the cheta who cleans my dorm room last showed up. I remember his face. Vividly. Mid 40's, balding and spectacled. Of all the looks, his was an intellectual's. Had it not been for the broomstick in his right hand, I'm sure I would have confused him for some local guardian of a local student.
So he entered my room and, like always, got on with the work. First up was the balcony, then the hall and finally the bathroom. Cleaning the room of two 20 something men is no easy task. First, there are these hairs lying all over. Uniformly. Unlike girls', ours are the smaller, thinner and loner kind. You'd hardly see them in strands. Spotting them and mopping them up is, therefore, very difficult. Then there are these empty soft-drinks bottles, bigger and longer, but irksome all the same. Others include rolled newspapers, umpteen pairs of socks, paper cups, stationery and other stationary floor-dwellers.
Cheta, though, never complains. Part and parcel of the job, I suppose. 20 minutes and he was out. My room, new as ever. He made his usual paramilitary salute, bowed and left.
I haven't seen him since.
17 days! I can see these dense spider webs around every empty cola bottle positioned underneath my table. Sometimes I see spiders feed on the remnants of pepsin inside these bottles. I suspect a pepsin overdose might alter their DNA. What will happen if they bite me while I'm asleep. Will I become Spider-man?
Even the fan blades are in desperate need of a fairness cream. Whenever the cries become too loud, I switch it on. It comes at the small price of spending the entire night awake, shivering.
And then there is this tiffin box lying under the wash basin. I remember ordering Butter Chicken one day. Or was it Pepper Chicken? Confused. The remains can still be found in the tiffin, though. Had it not been for my hypersensitive nostrils I would've surely confirmed and cleared the air. Clearing the air, yes, that's what this is about.
Finally, the bathroom. Three days ago, I saw my footprint in the bathroom, right underneath the shower. It was still there this morning. I swear to God that I take a bath everyday. Yes, yes, in the same bathroom. Yes, yes, under the same shower.

You know the problem now. So if you happen to pass by my cheta, please inform him that I miss him very much and that his services are urgently required. For cleanliness is Godliness and the guy who cleans the room, is God.
 
Merry Christmas!

Regards
Vikas
Room No. 225, Hostel L2